clouds

Just another day, another night

Another math question that I can’t get right

Just another day, yes, but mundane as it might

Comforting has it been, this daily sight. 

I took this picture on Wednesday evening, when it really seemed to be just another night. But then I realized it was the last I would stand there, looking out at the sky, trying not to feel so worried about exams and the things I don’t know, or trying to convince myself to go back in and do work. When I first came to KY, my favourite place was Saad Square (the square in the picture). I studied at the RC a lot, and me being me, I had some (many) moments of ‘i can’t do this’ and sitting in Saad Square and looking at the sky and breathing usually made me feel better. 

Standing there on Wednesday made me remember how much I like watching the clouds. I wonder why I never do it anymore. It was just so nice to stand out there and watch the clouds move and change shape, and ‘fly’. Clouds are nice to watch. The sky is nice to see. I feel like the sky alternates between a calming, beautiful presence and a heavy, menacing one that threatens to swallow you whole. Some days as I walk in the evenings, I feel very calmed by my surroundings, yet some days the very same surroundings, same weather inspired a sinking feeling.

There’s a word to describe the sky that evening, but I can’t seem to find it. The clouds were moving, but a little too fast so it felt almost like a time-lapse. It felt like the sky was moving. Like the sky was trying to give me a hug. Beautiful, but that’s not the description I’m looking for.

For most people, this picture probably shows just another building, just another evening – but these justs have been mine – familiar, comforting, soothing. I don’t really feel much yet about finishing my last A Level paper today, but I can definitely say I’ll miss this. Not the studying in the lounge/RC, exactly, but being there. 

(if you’ve been reading my previous posts (which I suspect no one does apart from zexin and joanne) sorry for constantly talking about leaving and stuff although it hasn’t actually happened lol. Expect more to come.) 

two years on

Yesterday WordPress wished me Happy Anniversary!

 

Wow. it’s been two years since my impulsive decision to start a blog. What’s more surprising, though, is that it’s still alive (thanks to Joanne, obviously).

(PS WordPress, yesterday wasn’t my anniversary ok since I see I published my first post on May 12, 2015

apa ni

you’re like me, forgetting people’s birthdays and stuff

the only difference is that you wished me although it was late

I’d just not wish the person at all)

 

Looking through my old posts I realize that the nature of my posts have changed quite a lot – my first posts were very themed, in a sense, because I had a specific purpose in mind when I started out. And my posts were serious and just… how did I get to this point, where my blog is literally an online journal? Before I started blogging, I never really consistently kept a journal or wrote anywhere.

I tried, sure, (everyone does right?) and I was always as overdramatic in my reactions to minor occurrences as I am now

Hypothesis Test

H0: I have always been overdramatic.

H1: I have not always been overdramatic.

Exhibit A: 9-year-old me getting scolded during the holidays for something and then subsequently writing in her ‘diary’ that she refuses to have any fun at all during the break, since that’s what they all want, right? *cries*

Note the use of the third person, because clearly this kid is not me. This ‘diary’ died within a few days, by the way.

Exhibit B: 15-year-old me writing a journal (for my English class, no less, because my (young, first posting, still wide-eyed and not overworked by the bureaucracy yet) teacher thought that would help us with our writing) and making a huge deal out of stuff that I shall not mention here because it’s just too embarrassing

I did this because, ya kno, I had nothing to say so I just made it ‘more interesting’

This journal also died. Within a few months (ie after this teacher left for her permanent posting)

Exhibit C: 19-year-old me decided that maybe it’s not such a great idea to write everything I think on this blog. This new physical journal currently has two entries in it, both from February. It involves me being super worried about not (yet) being called for an interview by Princeton and Imperial. These two entries are followed by maths. Some chemistry and physics. More maths.

Conclusion: (meh no one needs test statistics and stuff) Accept H0. No evidence at any significance level of me not being overdramatic.

Side note: Conclusive evidence also found of subject being unable to keep a journal. This study was carried out over a period of 10 years.

 

Yeah. So. I feel like this blog is a reminder of how much I’ve changed in the last two years – for the better in some departments, for the worse in others (*cough* grammar, punctuation, content *cough*).

People change. Or you think they have changed. Sometimes they really have, but sometimes they haven’t. It’s confusing, change.

Maybe it’s a good thing that I decided to write a lot of things here, inconsequential as it seems to me now, because I have no record of most of the things I think and say and do on a daily basis. So someday I may look back at this and be grateful I kept it, or I might look back and want to die from embarrassment at the amount of cringe in here. But either way, it’s here. When I first started, I didn’t want to be discovered by people who knew me at all. I didn’t want the things I wrote to change the perceptions of people towards me. I mean, as long as my readers don’t know me its fine because I’m not going to know their opinion. I’ve kinda changed my mind on that, and I considered putting my name on this blog but I’m deciding not to still

because

it’s important to watch your online presence (and ya before this I low-key worried that admissions officers might see this and that phase might be over but ya)

and I don’t exactly like the idea of someone who doesn’t know me (and whose opinion of me matters, like, idk an employer or something (yeah thinking a bit far into the future but I’m paranoid about not being able to erase things)) stumbling upon this because it doesn’t exactly give a very good first impression of who I am. I don’t put my best foot forward here; I put a jumbled mix-up of information and unashamedly admit (and rant about, and do nothing about) flaws. I’m a little paranoid, I guess. Just slightly.

Speaking of flaws, I’m currently procrastinating on doing work, yet again. I barely studied over the past week. I’m living life dangerously, heh. Dangerous indeed, because missing an A/B in Further Maths could literally cost me everything. It’s very worrying how my entire grade depends solely on 6 hours in an exam hall. 6 hours. 2 papers. 1 grade. Raised thresholds. I have no AS marks to carry forward to save me, and I am very unprepared. I wonder why I ever thought it was a good idea to focus on the science papers until they were over and not do any maths for 5 weeks (and then do it half-heartedly for one week and now realize I have one more week to salvage this) (and then keep procrastinating because maths is hard)

lel

Over the past week, I have

  • ranted about my abysmal performance in Chem 4, then regretted it because the person I was ranting to was my cousin who seemed to have a handle on a lot of the questions I didn’t know how to approach at all
  • slept, on average, for about 8.5 hours a night
  • ate lots of my chaletmate’s food
  • watched a ton of Facebook videos

I remember a time when I saw a (-n older) friend who was doing SPM, online during the exam season, and thinking ‘wow how can she do that shouldn’t she be studying I’d feel so guilty’

Where art thou, sweet innocent child who would have studied throughout the exam season? I need you. Come back.

  • done 1-2 maths papers a day for the last 3 days
  • watched two movies (do not ask why I watched two movies in the middle of A2)
  1. Baahubali 2 (a Tamil movie (that I had to read subtitles to keep up with pls don’t judge mi))

it was quite refreshing, honestly (and to my surprise). It’s not very often you find non-princessy, delicate, dependent women as main characters so it was nice to have three female characters as strong, independent, smart, confident (and loud, easily angered, impulsive) and exaggerated as the men for a change

I still think a lot of decisions were stupid and like WHY Y’ALL GO TO WAR FOR EVERY SINGLE THING why

and why on earth do you want to marry someone you have never met/only watched from a distance

and everything oH SO EXaggERaTED but eh, that’s a requirement for Tamil movies

Tbh I really wonder how they managed to make a three-hour movie with no actual storyline. By the end of it I was wondering when this was going to end and is it just me or has this taken forever and I looked at my phone and it was midnight (started at 9 something)

My brother can drive now. He’s a pretty good driver (lol confident enough to come pick me and my mother up from the cinema past midnight lol I still can’t drive alone). he also likes rubbing it in my face. (lol I don’t actually mind) on the other hand my parents have a good driver now

  1. Hidden Figures

I watched this today after being really bored with maths. Really, really loved it. If you haven’t watched it yet, WATCH IT PLS YOU WON’T REGRET IT ITS AMAZING!! It was equal parts inspiring and sad, because wow, people manage to do great things even with such limited resources and everyone around them not believing in them, but its very sad how people can be so unfair and it can just… be. Yes, status quo may be a certain way, but that doesn’t mean it is right. A phrase I picked up from debate, and a timely reminder.

I don’t know why I decided to clutter up this already cluttered post with a summary of my week and two movie reviews ‘i don’t know what to call them’s

heh

Okeh bye for now ❤

 

When do you push?

Some people have it hard. I feel bad for being oblivious to people’s pain and trouble sometimes. It’s easier to pretend I didn’t notice something was wrong, especially when I’m not extremely close to the person and I’m not sure they want to talk about it. I don’t really have the right to ask, do I? It’s none of my business. I don’t want to bring up something they might be uncomfortable with or upset about, if I didn’t appear to care about it before (I say appear to because a lot of times I do, but I just don’t do anything or help if I don’t know the person super well. I know. Taking the easy way out). I’m making it easier for them, right? 

Or am I just making it easier for me?

This post was brought on by the discovery of a blog of someone I know. And I want so badly to say something, but I don’t know if it’d be appreciated as support or taken as being a busybody (which I guess maybe I am. Ok no not maybe. Which I am.). But being a busybody and caring about people aren’t mutually exclusive. This isn’t just about that person, though. It’s also about all the times I notice someone visibly upset and I frequently decide to pretend nothing is wrong so they won’t feel embarrassed. Or, if they’re a friend, I ask if they’re okay. And if they say they are I don’t push. Should I? How do you tell whether to push or not to? I can wait for friends to reach out, but am I really a friend if I do nothing knowing they need my help but are hesitant to ask for it? I’ve found it hard to draw the lines as to when to reach out and when to push when someone says they’re okay, partly because I wouldn’t know how to deal with a problem – do I give advice, or do I listen? I can listen, and give you a hug and let you know I care, but advice is difficult. I suck at noticing things and stuff. Partly because I want them to be comfortable reaching out and not feel pressured into saying something. Partly because if I say I’m okay I probably am trying to convince myself of that – and someone asking any more (or telling me it’s okay) will cause an onslaught of tears and rants, which I really don’t want in public; so I don’t want that for anyone else.

I want to say what I’d feel in such a situation, but 

i. I kind of rant all the time about every small thing to people. I don’t have to be pushed, I just spill. Honestly I don’t know why I have this constant need for affirmation and the need to tell people everything. 

ii. And I also don’t have any real issues. Never really had. I’ve almost always gotten what I wanted, even when I didn’t work as hard as I could have. I take things for granted. I’ve been very, very lucky.

I guess I can be inconsiderate in the things I say and do. (I’m thinking of specific instances with that friend whose blog I just read)

See how this entire post was about me and not my friends? This perfectly illustrates my point about self-absorption and lack of regard to everyone else.

After coming to KY, I’ve made different kinds of friends. Many of whom I may not have been friends with had we been in school together. And among them are people who are really extremely observant and put in so much effort into their relationships with people. And on the surface their friendliness seems so effortless, their openness and quirks just characteristic of their personalities and I can’t imagine them any other way. Spoiler: it isn’t effortless. The surface is just that – a surface. A lot lies hidden beneath it. And I took a very long time to realize that, because it took long for certain people to open up (and I suspect only partially) considering I didn’t notice, let alone push. Being friends with these people also made me realize just how little I know about people in general – how little I try to understand. How the things I say and do affect other people. How very unaccommodating I can be. How far I am from who I want to be. 

And hey, I guess it’s easy to say all this because at the end of the day they’re not my problems that I have to deal with. I feel bad, but I’m doing nothing about it. I’m just an extremely sheltered almost-20-year-old with trivial problems. And I know they’re trivial but I still want to be heard. Hypocritical. 

Berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul 

Units of measurement, Helmholtz coils and being an emotional wreck

Tldr last day of class, me viewing everything through nostalgic goggles that make things seem a lot better than they were, a bunch of pictures that actually include human beings, A2 is SO NEAR

‘Numbers don’t lie.’

That’s not really true. We can use numbers to tell the story we want. Statistics can be manipulated to weave a tale to take in the layperson (I’m not going to go so far as to say anyone, since obviously some people pay attention) – we just need to play around with levels of significance, how we control biases, randomness, other things that I don’t really know (because me and stats, uh, don’t exactly get along too well sometimes). Well. That surprised me when I started learning about sampling, estimation and hypothesis testing.

Today, though, I found myself taken aback by how my use of certain units fooled me.

2 years seems a long time because of our use of the unit ‘year’. When I was 17, a teacher told my class that we shouldn’t do our countdowns to exams in months because it makes the date seem further away. At the time, it didn’t make sense to me. After all, saying 1.5 months, if anything, made the 45 days seem shorter – 1.5 is a much smaller number than 45, right? I understand what she meant now, though. Saying 2 years has been comforting, because a year is a long time. What more 2? But 24 months seems shorter, and 700 days less still (it literally is, because that’s an underestimation

By 15.25×2

Lol I could have just said 730.5 days from the start couldn’t I

You just witnessed my entire thought process in doing 365.25×2 without a calculator).

A day is only 24 hours. And an hour is not very long.

When I woke up this morning it felt like just another Friday. The usual setting my alarm for 7.30 am, ignoring it for an hour, lazing in bed for another half hour, and then finally getting out and taking a bath. Usually, I have a class at 9.30, and my classes continue till 12.40. Today, though, two of my classes were cancelled so my first class was pure maths at 11.15. Which is usually the class that I never shut up in and torture Sarah with puns (with Ian’s, Iris’, Kenny’s, Muz’s, Danica’s and Afiqah’s help, of course). (sadly my puns tend to be rather pun-ishing. Alas, I am but a pun-y amateur.)

Before I went to class I was just at the RC doing stuff and then I saw Iris who told me kinda sadly that it’s the last day, how is it already here

And I said it doesn’t really feel like the last day

Should have known that wouldn’t last

From the moment I stepped into pure maths (late, as usual) I was just overcome with this overwhelming realization that it’s the last day. And we were taking pictures and just talking to Puan Ju the whole block

The entire time was an exercise in pretending the choking feeling in my throat didn’t exist

Looking away from the people I was talking to and trying to joke and come up with puns, and failing

Danica noticing and asking if I’m about to cry

Me vehemently denying it (lies, that she and Iris both saw through) and continuing to try to make more jokes to kacau Sarah

Thankfully no one else asked that because it makes it so much harder not to cry

Why do I even cry so easily

It’s not like I’m not going to see them again. I have two more months in KY, just not in class

The realization that this was the very last time I’d see all these people in this setting, I guess. I love my maths class(es) (both pure and applied. Pretty much the same people, anyway). Don’t get me wrong, I don’t understand what’s going on in class almost all the time, but my classmates are some of the most amazing people ever. This class is hilarious. I never felt so at home and like… able to talk so much nonsense (because let’s face it, I spew a lot of crap in maths) without being judged. The first time I’ve been in a class that I’ve been that kid – who’s loud and annoying all the time (ok no that’s not really a good thing but I don’t regret it)

It kind of pains me to realize I’m going to have to find someone else to give blank looks to (and get blank looks from) and laugh with when the amount of stuff I don’t get reaches new highs, because now Danica and I are going to two different continents for uni

And having to find a new friend who’ll be willing to teach me stuff all the time like Iris is (I don’t know if anyone else like Iris even exists) (she’s too good)

^Pi-shaped because maths requires that kind of pi-ous dedication. Further maths is no pi-cnic. Although it’d be better with some pi-zza and pie. (ok now you get why Sarah doesn’t like this)

The process of taking this picture was proof that even if a person can do further maths, that doesn’t necessarily mean they can count to two. We took forever to stand in two lines. We had more than two for so. Long.

^Applied maths block 3 ft. Afiqah, Piah and the boy whose name I don’t know minus Muz, Suren And Thor

After pure I had physics. Which was again another photo session. This time we called back our friends who’d dropped physics at some point in the last two years.

Ze-Xin said this felt like a reality show and we’re calling back guest artists who starred in previous seasons. (Loshene left at the end of season 1, and Aman in the middle of season 4 heh)

It totally felt like that HAHAHHA

^Physics, so clearly we needed to pose with Fleming’s Left Hand Rule and the Right Hand Grip Rule (and a couple misplaced peace signs) and Mr John, as always, preferred the Right Hand Slap Rule.

^’Advantages of having long arms’ – Mr John

^Fancy unrelated equipment

‘Don’t say that, no one will notice’ – Ze-Xin

Then we went back to our seats and Mr John gave us a sort of speech, through which I was also just drinking water and trying to swallow the choking feeling. My most important takeaway from it was the answer to his question ‘what’s the difference between knowledge and wisdom?’

Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit, and wisdom is knowing not to put it in a fruit salad.

…….

I’m going to miss his jokes and just. Him. And this class. And some of the best friends I have now

(any excuse for another picture of us right)

Oh well.

I didn’t feel this sad during my last chem and stats classes because stats was on Tuesday and it didn’t feel like the end yet. And chem was also on Tuesday, and we didn’t know it was the last class but our teacher unexpectedly got sick so it ended up being the last class
And now I realize that chem and stats are really over over too.

I was slightly sed on the last day of mechanics (yesterday) cause Mr Mahadzir was giving us his ‘speech’, too

But I guess I still felt like I’d see the same people today in pure again

I’m going to miss my classes. My teachers. My classmates. They’re really, really, the best I could have asked for. I know people who can’t say the same, so I’m really grateful.

Okay then I went out for dinner with my villamates! We barely see each other nowadays 😦 but today was fun

We went to Sarang Art Hub, which usually has live busking, apparently, but we chose the wrong day cause they didn’t have that today. And had a really limited menu and mixed up our orders

LOL

The place was very artsy, exhibition ish, and the main idea in the room we were in (I felt) was some sort of Bangladeshi war theme kind of thing? Yeah. Not the soft flowers and cute stuff kind of art

Another part of the restaurant which had less dark themes 

Everyone likes to look at food

Then we came back and ate at one of the tables outside the villa area

And came to my chalet

And Dini came over

So we just went to Maryam’s room and talked and gossiped which we hadn’t done in really long (and I googled every other actor they talked about because I COULD NOT remember what a character looked like ._.)

So nice to catch up with my friends 🙂 ❤ hepi

Okay this post is extremely long so I’ll stop. I guess this is where (no I should have done it long ago but I can’t go back in time so) I stop doing all kinds of nonsense and really study. No second chances. 11 days.

Night 🙂 if any of my friends are reading this, good luck for A2 :’)

electric charge (specifically the one electrons carry)

Writing this really made me feel like I need to:

a. Improve my vocabulary 

b. Be a bit less shallow

But anyway

1. Sometimes I need to be told it’s okay. But that isn’t enough. The person saying so must also genuinely believe that. 
That usually is asking too much, because if I need to be told it’s okay chances are it’s not really. So anyone saying it’s okay probably doesn’t believe it.

2. I know I’ve been talking too much about worrying I’ll lose my friends 

But recently when I asked my cousin who’s studying in Canada how she’s doing, she said there’s too much yet too little to tell, because her long term status hasn’t changed.

I don’t want my friends now to become people I only consider telling changes in my long term status, as my cousin put it. And I don’t want them to consider me that way either. I love being the way we are now – every short term change is to be shared. But it happens so often. Most people I know from before KY are only updated on long term status now. 

And my long term status is usually (luckily) ‘I’m good! How are you?’

3. The more I think about it, the more afraid I am. The more I think about it, the more obvious it seems.

I’m privileged to not have to consider a lot of things 

But isn’t the point of this, the very thing I decided not to consider?

Where does that put me now 

4. ‘buy a new one’ isn’t always the solution, you know

5. I am not a failure. Even if my mind keeps trying to convince me of that.

6. Dramatic is fun most of the time, but the extreme nature of my overdramaticism (if that even is a word) is making me very weary

because raising the power of a negative exponent eventually results in zero. I’m approaching zero.

7. It stresses me out to see people who are more prepared for the exams than I am (ie everyone I see on a daily basis) but I never do anything about it

I promised I wouldn’t let the fact that I have low requirements make me lazy

That is exactly what I have done

And now the prospect of missing the grades is actually very real

My first A2 paper is in 13 days. I’m ignoring that fact.

Ze-Xin just walked by and said ‘are you writing?’ u make me feel a lot ‘better’ AHHAHAHAHAHAHA

8. Things happen unexpectedly 

Good things, bad things

9. Is it a good thing to focus on negatives?

It keeps risks and consequences in perspective 

And I don’t act like I know what’s at stake even when I’m already so focused on negatives.

Wouldn’t things be worse if I didn’t focus on negatives

10. What have you to lose by talking to people? 

Nothing

Except, maybe, your fear and laziness and lack of initiative

Which is a good thing. 

11. Writing things down makes them seem more doable. They aren’t vague ideas cluttering up my head that I’m afraid I’ll forget. There are, unfortunately, two problems with this

i. I need to put the idea of writing things down into action. But until then, it remains a vague idea cluttering up my head. 

ii. Whoever follows plans and does things on to-do lists

I don’t 

They’re decorative items for my cupboard and wall 

12. Not everything can be classified 

I don’t know why writing that suddenly made me think of the pizza flavour. Classified Chicken. What’s classified about it?!? 

13. Sometimes it’s tiring to pretend to be animated, but I do it anyway. It’s nice to see people smile/laugh when I say ridiculous things 

And that usually makes me feel better 

(although more often it’s just me laughing at other people saying/doing things. Allyna told me once in sem 1 that she thinks I’m that friend who never says anything and just laughs at everything 

And I said nothing to that

Guess what I did?

That’s right. I laughed)

I never used to need people to make me feel okay everyday but now I kind of do? Idk

Attachments 

14. Blogging is sort of fun because it’s somewhere I can write all the mundane, insignificant, shallow things I think and feel like it matters. Even if it doesn’t. 

15. It’s the last day of class tomorrow. I feel empty.

16. I think I don’t like people being biased/prejudiced, but isn’t that me just being prejudiced against them? 

And anyway, I am prejudiced, too. For and against things, people. I like to pretend I’m not, but I am. 

I don’t like some people for literally no reason

They did nothing to me 

I just don’t really like them 

17. Snapping should be left to strings under too much tension, not people. People have higher Young’s moduli (or is it modulus’?). 

18. Chain reactions exist outside of radioactivity, too. And they similarly need to be controlled. But the difference is that we haven’t figured out what the Boron rod is in life.

19. I hate being compared to other people. Why, then, are my metrics other people? 

20. I do not like telephone conversations with most people. Birthdays, calling-to-check-in-cause-youre-in-the-country *cough*, other special days – because once I’m done with the ‘how are you’ and ‘happy birthday’ WHAT DO I DO I have nothing interesting (nothing not interesting either) (most people call the set encompassing both these sets Nothing) to say

Help

Please

Can someone make me a little less challenged in the department called communication 

An eclectic enough mix that I can’t choose a title 

Hi :))) random stuff 

Not exactly memories this time though 

1. In form 5, during Hari Anugerah, I received an award. My Bio teacher saw me and asked me ‘which hormone do you think is at a high level in your body now?’ (she had just finished teaching the topic on hormones and regulatory mechanisms)

I replied adrenaline. She laughed and said ‘oh, you’re excited!’

I wasn’t. 

I couldn’t remember any other hormones.

2. Is it just me, or do you get super annoyed when you click on comment sections of online news articles?

There are the people who get offended at everything 

The ones who try their hardest to offend

The ones who think they’re right, refuse to listen to other opinions and call those who correct them butthurt 

Those who call everyone else snowflakes

There are those whose opinions are reasonable, but their wording and tone is rude and arrogant “for maximum impact”

Those who say ‘who cares’ and ‘nobody asked you’

Those who find faults with everything

Those who bring politics into everything, no matter how unrelated 

It’s very tiring to look at an uplifting news article and then go to the comments section and look at the nonsense

It annoys me so much to read certain comments but I always force myself to just close it and ‘don’t feed the troll’

3. One of my friends recently said “it’s nice to have friends”

I’ve been fortunate enough to never really have to think about that, but, why yes, yes it is. 

It gets lonely without friends. Friends care about you. 

4. I should be excited, not scared, shouldn’t I?

I am a go-getter, right

Right?

I can be self-motivated. I can start over. I can make new friends. I can work hard. I can ask for help when I need it. I can be consistent. I can present myself in the best light. I can compete. I can do it. I don’t need attention and validation. I don’t need to be noticed. And if I do want to be noticed, I can get myself noticed. These are skills I need anyway. Better learn them sooner than later, right? Better jump into the deep end than try to do it gradually, dragging it longer and allowing myself to become comfortable where I am and unwilling to move.

Don’t contradict me on that, please. I’m easily swayed. I don’t want to be swayed on this particular topic. 

5. While it’s nice to have so many free blocks, when teachers cancel classes now it makes me slightly sad. Because these are the last 2 weeks. Canceling class leaves fewer classes still

I like going to class. I like being here. I like seeing my classmates and teachers every day. 

6. Nuclear physics is so much fun! Especially when your teacher’s analogy is every human being picking up a hammer that happens to be beside them to a height of one metre. And aliens giving us more energy. 

7. Before I started writing US essays I thought I knew how to use punctuation. Now I’m just confused. I also used to be able to tell very well between British and American spellings (single l’s, double l’s, z’s, s’s) but now I’m very confused. Counselor or counsellor? Fulfilment or fulfillment? Which is British? I grew up with British English. Funny that a few months of trying to reformat my mind into using American spellings and grammar and punctuation has totally messed with me. Now I use a jumbled up mixture of both

8. The less I read, the worse my command of English gets. It seems intuitive, but I didn’t realize it for a long time. I just don’t have the time to read now like I used to in secondary school. That has taken its toll. 

9. My Malay is now so broken because I barely used it for over two years. I’m sad. I used to be pretty fluent. 

10. Speaking of Malay, on the morning of my SPM Malay paper I was panicking. I went to see my teacher before my second paper. Throughout the two years that she’d taught me, she insisted on speaking only in Malay to her students. 

I was evidently shaken and nervous enough that she switched to English that day.

I miss her 

11. There’s no going back in time. That’s a little scary, isn’t it? There’s no fixing things. Only living with the memory of your irresponsibility 

Stop being so irresponsible, hmm? 

12. There’s a difference between trying to emulate and trying to imitate. It’s easy to forget that.

13. It’s possible (likely, even) to lose touch with the people you were close to once upon a time 

Is it possible to lose touch with yourself? You’re with you all the time.

14. Nearly 20 years and I haven’t mastered the art of not tearing up and literally crying when anyone says something remotely nostalgic or sad or touching.

It’s embarrassing 

I always end up talking to the person while looking elsewhere. They probably think I’m being rude.

I do not understand my own response. How are most people so collected and unperturbed? 

I also haven’t mastered the art of expressing gratitude or apologies.

15. Are my viewpoints mine or the result of subtle brainwashing 

Or ‘American hegemony’, as a debate trainer once said in a training session I attended 

Does the fact that debates are nearly always set in a first-world, liberal society have anything to do with my opinions

16. When I type things that I either want to retract, or contain a typo on whatsapp, but hasn’t been sent due to the terrible internet connection 

If I highlight it to delete, IT WILL BE SENT 

EVERY SINGLE TIME 

You might think that works in my favour when internet connection is poor, but no. I must have the intention of actually deleting it. It doesn’t work otherwise. I can’t highlight something and expect it to go through unless I was going to delete it. 

in your head

quiet and silent

mean two different things

the same way

alone and lonely

mean two different things

but they can sometimes be

hard to discern

 

 

Is it just me?

Or are these different too?

tired and exhausted

excited and enthralled

painful and excruciating

beautiful and exquisite

sadness and desolation

there is a certain gradation

in intensity

 

 

calm can be unsettling

and chaos comforting

it is strange

to me, when

noise is usually

unwelcome

unwanted

that its absence

sometimes makes its presence

painfully known

 

 

insistence and confidence

take a backseat often

doubt and apprehension

conquer

and when they do not

the former still easily falter

for the lines between

clarity and confusion

at times, do blur

 

 

company can be stifling

people tiring

animation demanding

yet a lack of it, equally

is there a limit

to how much you can live in your head?

for imagining ideas

and dynamics with people

drastically differ

if you choose to do the latter

perhaps you should stop living in your head.

Maths, and not the boring kind 

I’m not a teacher, certainly not a mathematician, and a lot of the jokes in this blog fly over my head. But I absolutely love Math with Bad Drawings! (and I think my friends are getting tired of me sending screenshots) 
Check this blog out it is amazing 

I need to learn more maths just to understand more of it 🌚

How to Tell a Mathematician You Love Them – http://wp.me/p3gt4l-1vq

what if

The problem with the phrase ‘what if’ is that we’ll never know. What if I ate a chocolate and chicken sandwich? What if I sleep in today? What if I made a different choice? What if I fail? What if?

What if

Some people like the phrase what if. I can see where they’re coming from. What if opens up a whole world of possibilities, an endless stream of ideas, simply because what if? What if I decided not to worry? What if I baked a cake and ate the whole thing simply because I felt like it? What if we tried to invent things without considering the limitations of physics and the physical world? What if Pokémons actually existed? (actually, I can think of an answer to this last question and it involves my brother and Pokémon zoos and museums and more trivia than he already knows and me being more exasperated than I usually am)

Anything can happen, when you ask what if. 

I don’t like making decisions for this reason. I’m afraid of the what ifs. Afraid of possible regrets I might have. Afraid that maybe, despite what I seem to think right now, that I really am just trying to convince myself that I want something. Afraid that maybe my choices are being clouded by fear, and that I’m just taking the easy way out. Afraid that I’m wrong, and that it will follow me for years, because I refused to listen. Because anything can happen. And in a few short years I may regret this decision.

‘what are your personal goals?’

‘what do you really want?’

‘is it more important to you?’

‘what do you like?’

‘are you sure?’

No. I am never sure. I don’t know. I never know. I cannot answer any of those questions.

I thought I was sure, but I’m not. And I hope my decision now is just that – a decision that I can look back on and laugh about how I stressed about it (like I do with every decision I ever have to make. Like even whether to come to KY. Can’t believe how extremely stressed out I was at that time. What subjects to take. Even whether to run for a position in a club/activity.) Many of my decisions are emotional, spur of the moment, not very well researched ones. Even the decision that led to having to make this one. It’s just easier to make a decision and stick to it – choose a goal and then formulate a plan – than it is to think whether it really aligns with what I want out of my life. I don’t know. What do I want out of my life? I feel like the ‘best’ answer and the answer I want to hear are different ones, though, at this point. Is it wrong to choose something that appeals more to me for a less-than-concrete reason? No, scratch that. Is it unwise to make a less economical, more time-consuming, possibly negatively career-impacting choice?

When I put it that way, it does seem very unwise.

Why then, do I still lean towards the ‘unwise’ choice?

But I’ll never know, will I? I won’t. Because once the choice is made, there’s no going back in time to redo this. And there’s no guarantee the other choice is less unwise. And this could be a great investment. I think it is, but I’m inexperienced and don’t really listen to advice.

PS. I’m being overdramatic again

This isn’t a huge deal

…. I hope

Neither choice is really unwise

PPS. sorry for the overuse of ‘i think’ and ‘seem’ and stuff, but I can’t honestly say whether it’s true. I can’t tell. I don’t even know what I really think.

Important Status Update

Warning: very long, very cluttered post ahead.

HI!

It’s been quite a long 9 days. So I have been dying since trials started last Tuesday and the last paper just killed the last shred of spirit in me but I decided to stay on as a shadow in this place, like Nearly Headless Nick did survived trials! And, well, last weekend.

Considering I’ve been waiting for today to come for such a long time, it’s weird to not feel any relief about exams being over (yes, temporarily, but still over). I feel nervous. For absolutely no reason that I can place. I don’t know why. Maybe it’s about making a decision. But there’s no reason to be nervous about that. It’s not even an ‘event’, it’s a process. I used to feel nervous for no reason a lot when I was younger. Like when I was waiting for the van to pick me up to go to school. When someone was going out (bc please come back safely). In early primary I didn’t know that was called being nervous. I just felt very worried sometimes before school and walked around (like I do now before exams). (I’m exaggerating me as a kid ok, didn’t happen that often. Just often enough for me to distinctly remember it.)

I also didn’t know what being hungry was. I used to bite my nails for very long. One night I woke up with this stabbing-poking-vvv-uncomfortable feeling in my stomach and I woke my father up and told him I had a stomachache. He took me to the kitchen and gave me some Marie biscuits and warm water and after I ate them I felt much better and went back to sleep. He told me that’s what happens if you bite your nails and eat them (the latest in a series of why-you-shouldn’t-bite-nails, since my habit was extremely worrying, in retrospect). I believed him for a very long time. I thought the sharp ends of the nails were poking my stomach and somehow Marie biscuits made the poking go away. Marie biscuits became my medicine for when my stomach was uncomfortable. I don’t think my father realized I believed it, lol. My parents generally didn’t tell me things that aren’t true.

I didn’t know what ‘tired’ was either. I remember the first time ever I used the word. I was 9. I came back from school, at around 6.30, I think? And that was the day my cousin was doing a solo dance concert and I told my parents and aunt that I didn’t want to go because I was tired. I wasn’t really. I was just lazy. Didn’t want to go out. Just wanted to throw the word around. I remember my aunt not being very happy about it, but she didn’t make me go. I was surprised they allowed me to stay home. Lel. I wish I went. I don’t see her dance much anymore. I think the last time I went to a performance was over a year ago.

I don’t know why I’m suddenly talking about when I learnt the meaning of words, but I also remember when I learnt the word ‘confiscate’. I don’t remember how old I was, but I used to go to my aunt’s house pretty often then. One time, she gave me a really cute black Hello Kitty pouch. I think I still have it around somewhere. The next time I went over, I took my water bottle in it and she told me to take it out and not damage the pouch otherwise she’d have to confiscate it. The weirdest thing about that is that I still think it’s the perfect size for a bottle. It’s cute. Probably wasn’t made for that (I don’t know what its purpose is don’t judge me) but putting a bottle in it wasn’t damaging, psh. Unless. Uh. Kindergarten-age-me spilled something in it. Which. Uh. Is it very likely?

Do you ever feel like a word sounds strange in your mouth when you use it too frequently in a short space of time? Or write it too much? Happens to me a lot. It’s usually in speech but just now

I WAS UTTERLY UNABLE TO WRITE SIN theta during the applied paper?!?!?!?! It kept coming out as sn theta and I had to keep squishing in an i. ridiculous.

Okay so anyway, the update. (Wow I got distracted for very long.) Looking back at me last year, I’m kind of happy and relieved in a sense, since I’m doing pretty okay. I got into unis that I’d like to go to (which I really should be making a decision about but instead I’m procrastinating here) that my sponsor will allow, and their conditions are pretty achievable (if you know me in real life, yes, I complain a lot, but I know it could be a lot worse. I guess I always find something to worry and be anxious about. I wonder who I’d be, that trait removed.). I’m not going to lose my scholarship and have to worry about paying the money back in 24 hours and all the other horror stories I’ve been telling myself about why I can’t fail

Yes I realize there’s still A2 and I need to meet my grades and stuff

And

Stuff

This is literally what I’ve wanted since I was, I don’t know, 15? I don’t remember when I started wanting to study abroad or why it was so important to me to get perfect grades in SPM (apart from trying to get bursary la, but why was that so important)(except for, like, Mr Siva and his stories about students who missed out on a scholarship/place in matriculation/asasi/whatever because they missed one A+/A. I know. I know. Anyway, that was only in form 4 and I definitely was super motivated about doing well because scholarships way before. Not sure that was a good reason to be motivated, lol) but I really wanted to study abroad. The whole plan was sort of a vague do-well-in-SPM-then-can-go-overseas and it only really became a … plan around 2 years ago. Why am I not as excited as I should be? Being away for 4 whole years suddenly seems like a very long time. And when I see people posting in insert-any-uni-name-Class of 2021 facebook pages saying ‘hey dis my name and I like this this this and I want to live here and I’m looking for a roommate hmu’ I just

Like

I have no idea what I want

I don’t know anything about the unis

(in terms of logistics, at least)

Where to live

Am I supposed to find my own roommate

How to choose classes

A bunch of things that probably actually don’t matter (yet)

So lazy to think at all ugh

How am I supposed to survive on my own for 4 years I’m so dependent on my parents for everything. How do people move out at 18 omg I’m nearly 20 and I don’t think I’d be half functional on my own

 

I complain far too much. Really. Lel if you’ve stuck with me this long I think you get the idea.

I

Don’t know how to put this

And it’s unimportant

But anyway, no better time to reflect than now, right?

Throughout the university application period, I found myself really wishing I was someone else. That in itself isn’t unusual for me, but those few months were terrible. I disliked me most of the time. The rest of the time, I hated me. Which was quite a hindrance to writing something that highlights my skills and passions and talents and why a certain university should accept me, but that’s besides the point. I was questioning why I wanted to do stuff, and if I really wanted to do them – which on its own is a good thing, but combined with a general belief that I shouldn’t get in anyway because I didn’t deserve to, it was very unproductive. I was stressed out. And I stressed other people out because they had to deal with my negativity on top of their own problems in their own lives. Especially my mother. She never says it, but I know it’s true.

I was thinking about this pretty recently (within the last week), and I actually had concrete reasons for it and specific traits I could isolate. But just now Ze-Xin said something really nice that made me think. And Joanne agreed with her. (<3 friends) And I was unable to come up with a list of 15 things within 10 seconds about why I don’t like me. Other people do, I think. Mostly. I’m not the most interesting or kind person ever, but I think I’m okay in general. I would have been able to come up with a long list not too long ago. I guess that’s a good sign. Someone told me once that we judge ourselves most harshly because we alone know what we’re like when we’re alone. I think that person is right. We alone know our worst traits and weaknesses. We believe other people don’t get it. But that isn’t true, is it?

I guess with regards to my life, the Important Status Update on my portal is that I don’t hate you anymore. I don’t really like you, but I guess we can work with that. It’s an improvement.